As I adjust to having life away from her I realize that.... a part of me is missing. A part of me that cannot be filled or "replaced*" by anything else.

I feel that.... my life is sad now. It really is.... I for the most part spent finals week working tirelessly on projects especially post break up, and then to a 30+ hour work week, and a 20 hour work week in addition to the holidays. Which were fine, it was split this year between my new girlfriend, my best friend, and my own family.

Seemingly I feel as if I'm stretched really thin right now and I have only just begun to take the time and collect my thoughts and feelings. So I just want to say that... in this recollection things have been really tough. As I look through her pictures of this holiday season; I look at them in sorrow and regret wishing only I could be there. I look at her face and how much she has changed from the events she goes to, to the friends she surrounds herself with. It is a person unknown and foreign to me and yet she is the same person I have loved for 4 years. In disbelief and anguish..... I wish..... things had stayed the same between us. I wish that all the superfluous things never happened and I wish that Marisa and Kai had never intervened. I want to be happy again.

I feel like this is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, and beyond all the smiles and everything. I am terribly hurt on the inside and nothing can make it go away. I'm honestly sick of love songs and everything that reminds me of her causes my heart to rush with anxiety and I can't help but wonder if this feeling will ever fade. To the very few people that read this I hope that you never have to experience loss like this ever.

Since I haven't the opportunity to effectively mourn.... I told my parents I wanted to return to the city to think things through. My mother then accused me of lying and said I hadn't done anything for the family and that overall.... I'm terribly selfish and only wanted because I wanted to fuck Marisa. Surely... I am such a man. It really hurts to think that I can't really express this feeling you know?

On a different topic I also have Marisa; my little italian girl. She's so fun, and she's thoughtful, and sweet and yet..... I feel terrible now as I have all these unresolved feelings. What should I do; should I stay with her? She's so good to me but, I cannot reciprocate my 100% to her. I feel like my feelings for her are strong but....... is she really the one to beat Jolinda? Or am I making the biggest mistake of my life by leaving my beep. What do I need? What do I want and moreover who do I want?

Now I'm in LA, happy and depressed at the same time. Can I really find happiness without her? Or am I going to wonder for the rest of my life why someone else is with my "wife."

I am torn. I am lost.

I am looking at pictures of her and her experiences that I should have been a part of.

For the first time I am responsible for the death of something;

who do I choose, what do I choose?

In the end one person has to go; this cannot continue.

I will say; It was reckless of the new to pursue so quick; its unfair of the old to ask for a second chance now.